It is December 28, 2014. The month of December was short this year. Today is the first day to sit and listen to music by the tree. Candlelit room. What happened?
It may not be the best time to write. I suddenly feel a cold coming on. Scratchy throat. Clogged ears. Stuffy head.
Curt has complained of a head cold since before Juliana’s family left yesterday. Perhaps I am getting what i deserve for not being more sympathetic.
But the screech. Is that the sound of meetings, lesson plans, weekend activities, church events, organizing the house, trimming the tree, shopping, wrapping, baking, planning–all of it coming to a halt? A screeching halt? I was depressed yesterday. I received word of a childhood friend’s death. I read a lovely description someone had written about meals around the Kaestner table. I wondered if anyone would or could write anything so lovely about my hospitality.
We don’t give dinners. We live alone. We do not seek out folks. I love seeing them at the post office or on walks around town, but to ask them to dinner? No. Is that what the Lord refers to when he says we should welcome strangers? Is that what I need to do to share the light of Christ? Is that the only way I am going to have a conversation in my house about anything but the weather? That is really what I long for. I don’t think I honestly am looking for someone to write about me and my hostessing. I know I am good at cooking and bringing about a fine meal, but what about a spontaneous dinner? Could I do that and not think too much about all those details?
The Times wrote about a dinner party in which everyone brought something or even cooked it at the host’s home. How about that? When guests ask what they might bring to such a dinner, they are asked what they would like to bring, what they like to cook. The plans proceed from there, probably with some thought given to what the host/hostess want to supply in the first place. What do you think? Could I do it? Could I stop editing any potential guest list? Could I just let Christ make the list and set the date?
I need so much help in life lately. Where is that angel who comes in a dream and tells me where I need to go to be safe and to be walking in the Light. I am not certain this prayer of Thomas Merton’s is encouraging for me right now or not:
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”